My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
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I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Name this drama.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.