friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
You Might Also Like
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Basically.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.