When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
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the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
it’s the silliest best thing
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low