Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
August 8
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school