Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!