I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
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Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair