I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
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me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
How to properly lift a body
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Very good! 👍😂
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.