On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
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All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?