Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*