Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.