The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
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My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)