my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
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…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home