My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
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My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
How to make infinite energy.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one