A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
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I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Nose
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.