Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
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3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.