That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
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You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.