‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.