Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
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My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
*3.5 thank you very much.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls