*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
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So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life