I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
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Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no