This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
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“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.