Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
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time for some seasonal decor
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
went fishing caught a bass
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
This made me chuckle.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”