my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”