Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
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*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Breaking news:
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Ironic
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.