Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon