[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
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hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
🤣
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.