A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
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When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
having children is a pyramid scheme.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.