Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
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I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.