Everyone in the gym on January 1st
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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Incredible customer service.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.