My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
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Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya