Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
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People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I’ll be mad as hell!
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.