Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
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To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Lmao
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11