mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
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me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
gm
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Just got to our Airbnb!
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
set yourself free xox
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?