Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?