Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
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[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
every college guy’s fridge
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics