*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
You Might Also Like
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.