I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
You Might Also Like
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.