Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
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I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow