Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
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scared to check what name she chose
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
sry
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*