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Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Dance like you’re not the father
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.