My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
never forget
who wore it better?
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena