My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
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Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
A roof is a house hat.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery