STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
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Not even remotely sorry.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
me refusing to leave twitter
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.