Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
This meal prepping shit easy
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.