Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 馃檨
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I鈥檝e lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Oh, so you鈥檙e a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car鈥檚 extended warranty.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
This woman is my idol. Free her.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
The Others (2001)
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
i鈥檓 a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What鈥檚 your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don鈥檛 have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I鈥橪L NEVER JOIN YOU!
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now