[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
You Might Also Like
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn