this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
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Who wants to be my Valentine?
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?