I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
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You’ll be OK
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I was bored.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh