*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Phonetics
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.