I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.